Who was I, before all of this life?
Rarely, but sometimes, I just sit here at the keyboard, with very little to write. It isn't that there aren't ideas, nor no motivation, it that my brain is unable to get started, to get over the initial hurdle of putting the first word to the page. Even as my mind jumps from one idea to the next, I am like that today, unable to get that word on the page, as the wheel of fortune just doesn't land on the right one.
For someone that rights so many words, it is difficult at time for me to find the right ones in my life and this has meant that I have struggled at times to let myself be know, especially to those closest to me. I don't have this trouble with friends or strangers, only the people I care about the most. I think it is because I care about them that I screw it up, because so much is riding on the outcomes of the relationship, whole lifetimes, and the lives of others. I want the best for them and the irony is, I can't give them the best of me.
It is far easier to write than to speak and as I have mentioned many times, it is the most effective way that I can process my experiences, but it isn't always possible, especially when what I need to process concerns others. I am open, but I keep the lives of the people I know, close to my chest. I don't feel the need to protect myself, but others, I do.
I am not sure why, but I suspect it has something to do with me coming to terms quite young with my own mortality and facing it several times since. The first time I really understood death was the night I learned to swim, my birthday, and the same night I drowned and had to be resuscitated. As I struggled in the middle of a pool alone, fighting for air and knowing no one was there, I succumbed to the depths and with my eyes open, I looked up at the darkening sky as I went under the water. It was the strangest thing as even in that moment I didn't feel resignation or defeat, no panic or fear, I felt calm. Even now as I write this, I can feel the relaxation of those moments in my body - just before the water exploded as someone chanced by and dove into the depths to pull my to the side and evacuate my lungs.
Since that moment, I haven't feared death - I do fear pain. I have a high tolerance, but I fear the pain of terrible injury, but mostly, I fear the pain of being another's burden. Death would be welcome if I could no longer look after myself and no longer look after those I care about. This is the fear of getting old, as the more our years advanced, the closer to the inevitability of having to rely on the grace of others. It is what scared me about the stroke and still weighs heavy, as I don't want to live the next year, let alone the next forty holding someone back. They may do it because they love me, but if they truly loved me, they would know the torture of the situation and put me out of my misery, if I was unable to do so myself. A morbid thought for some, a practical consideration for myself.
I have met many people who say they do not fear death, but I don't believe them, unless they have truly faced it. At an intellectual level they might like to think that they understand how they are going to react in those last moments if aware, but when that time comes, they will most likely, ask for more time. Although we all die alone, I just hope I don't die lonely. I don't want to be the last man standing - which is selfish, because somebody must be.
This topic wasn't one that I was considering when I started writing, but this is what arrived. In many ways, it is like abstract art where the artist captures a story without form on a canvas that only they fully understand, but the audience may feel, think they know, guess at the meaning and sentiment that lays behind the formless lines and color. But what they are actually doing is reflecting upon themselves through the work, the image a catalyzing mirror that urges to look deeper and see only themselves staring back.
That is the abyss.
And that is why people fear to look, as it means seeing themselves, stripped of context, devoid of the forms they have used for so long to define themselves and see what lays beneath the veneer they have used to protect themselves. A nakedness like no other. The fear is the discovery of ourselves, unequivocally proven, no argument to be had. What if when we look we do not like what stares back?
When I was under the water's surface staring at the sky and feeling the flood of calm - I was an innocent in the world, inexperienced and without responsibility for my conditions. The abyss knew me, and I it. But now, so many years have passed, so much has happened, so many actions and consequences to shape the person who stares back from that darkened mirror of myself.
Perhaps what we fear is, who we have become.
But maybe we never changed.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
I think we do change and grow and are no longer the young innocents we used to be. You have seen and touched death more than once, and are still unafraid of it when it comes to yourself, but like many extremely concerned how it will effect your loved ones.
Yep we all grow older, the fear of concern never ever goes away, at least not for me it hasn't. It is not a fear of death, but the fear of concern I think that keeps me and many others going on, even when we start to lose the ability to be the support we once used to be. I am concerned that my loved ones won't understand, that they will feel lost, confused, angry and a lot of other things.
As for myself, I really have no concern about death at all other than how my passing would leave a void in my family, as if I personally took a part of them away from them forcibly. I just do not want to be the one that creates a void, an emptiness in my wife or other loved ones.
That being said, I would in a heart beat opt for immortality, but only on a trial basis. Say a 2500 year stretch then an option for a bit longer.
While we can't help the end, it does feel like we are inflicting a pain with our passing, on the people we care about the most. But, I guess that void creates the space for new growth.
This is fair. I could live like this for a while and see what comes of the world - as long as I don't have to watch for eternity.
Really loved reading this, Taraz
My mind responded at first with a line from memory:
"Writing is easy. You just stare at a blank page until blood comes out"
I don't know who said it
Then, as I read on, a profound calm emerged from within
Well written words from the heart
What you say about death being desirable to holding someone back. I agree, but had not thought about it that way before. You articulate it admirably
Thank you
Makes sense :)
I don't think anyone likes to be a burden, yet more and more people seem to be comfortable living off of others in some way. Perhaps to the point of expectation that they should be looked after, regardless of how they behave.
Yep, that's evident. I suppose, if the connection is personally indirect, like through taxation, people are okay with just living off of other people's efforts. There's that degree of separation
It's complex though...
What's the situation in Finland, regarding this sort of thing?
You are not the first I have heard say that, the flood of calm as they drift into what felt like another place and time.
You are so hard on yourself, my friend. The person who stares back at you nowadays is still not who you are, you are still working on your progress. You are so used to excelling that you haven't quite accepted that your brain still needs to catch up. But, I mean no disrespect when I say that, your feelings are real and only you can know what is inside.
I just want you to know that you could never be a fail. Just look at what you have overcome in your life and just now. That is a huge success, by anyone's standards - and it is not because I don't understand that you are afraid of failing your family. I get that. But, I can also say that sometimes it helps our mental state to have those conversations with the one we love. 💗
@tipu curate
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Maybe changing in behavior and thought, but I can't escape who I always was, just play a different part, like an actor across scenes and stages.
I completely agree, so why is it so hard? It isn't just difficult for me either - it is difficult for them to have to listen and consider.
Is it difficult or are you presuming that it is that difficult? That makes a difference. Also, if you never have that conversation, you are impeding your own Mental Health by the constant worry about it. I have found that people often surprise me with their dedication and support of each other. I think that you are a kind and considerate person, worrying about others, when in fact, it is you that needs the extra eyes on.
Of course all I say is made on presumption but sometimes it is the banter of the back and forth that brings me to my own conclusion.
Oh, people change. We are always changing to become truer versions of ourselves. Had a similiar experience. First time swimming my birth father took me to the public pool and didn't really how deep the water would get. I walked out a bit and had to be saved by lifeguards. I guess making the topic darker, what do we fear more? What we are becoming, or death? Is what we are becoming so horrible it is worth ending that future. Maybe I'm making this too dark but that's what I got out of this.
For some it is. Perhaps they made the right call. However, for others who make the same decision, it is an escape, a way not to have to face the risk of becoming what they fear they will.
Sometimes they truly love you enough to hold outr hope that a fix isn't too far off x_x and sometimes they might not want to let go.
Near death experiences are interesting (and occasionally terrifying) things x_x
I will have to make a deal with someone who dislikes me a lot, to end me if my family can't :)
What could possibly go wrong XD
Interesting that this happened during your birthday. Some people consider surviving such circumstances as a second birthday. It seems that the life decided that you only need one birthday. I guess you will have to find different excuses for eating more cakes. 😜
I think this also depends on the type of death.
I have far too many excuses for cake eating already!
I wonder if there is a common "death fantasy" - do people see themselves dying peacefully, or in a fireball?
I would imagine that this is common "death fantasy".
Also I I would want to be a given to wild animals after death. My only concern is how would they react. if after eating my remains those animals would become more dangerous to humans that would be bad because that would mean that humans would kill the animals. if they could eat human and not be addicted to it that would be awesome way of being useful after death.
I think its normal as every author who loves to share his thoughts through writing ,must go through this hurdle because they want their reader to get more impressed with their first line .
If the painter draw something ,firstly sketch on the basis of its thoughts, imagination and perception which lead their painting more advanced and creative. Writing is almost similar where your first line draw your body of articles.
It is good to open strong, but I prefer to have a week start and end strongly. It is about pacing, but these days, people look for attention grabbers at the start to get clicks through the door - and then fail to deliver anything of substance.
I face this problem often starting writing is the hardest but if to manage to write the first word next will come easily
This is true and the problem for me ends up being - where to stop :)
well, we gotta stop at some point 😎
Beautiful post. We become whatever we imagine, fearfully or no. It's interesting that you go to a calm place when you remember the event. I think that's pretty cool.
To say that writing is easier said than done, I think is very difficult for extroverts like me
The fear of aging has come to me too, and it is really terrible
But I'm not afraid of death, I think it 's very exciting
Bullseye Taraz..!
I feel this to my core. But when I think about the exit. I also realize it will not be as I wish. I wish to fall comfortably into a deep relaxing sleep. Much like after being awake several days and exhausted. No pain, no worry. Just a drift off to the afterlife. I have heard others speak of morphine being like this..?
But I am a realist, and grounded enough in this reality to know that the exit will be filled with pain and a struggle, possibly horribly violent.
Many do not feel comfortable speaking about this subject. It is not suicidal tendencies to speak of the manners of death. Right.??